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Posts Tagged ‘People’

At the western end of the Columbia River Gorge, 30 miles inland from the Pacific Ocean, in a wide valley at the foot of the Cascade Range, the cities of Portland, Oregon, and Vancouver, Washington, face each other across the Columbia River.

On the south bank is Portland, population 588,000. On the north bank is Vancouver, population 162,000.

According to the local joke, the city is Vancouver (not the one in British Columbia), Washington (not the District of Columbia), in Clark County (not the one in Las Vegas), across the river from Portland (not the one in Maine).

To the locals, Vancouver is “the Couve.”

When Europeans first arrived there in 1775, the area was inhabited by an estimated 80,000 Native Americans, mostly of the Chinook and Klickitat nations. By the time the Lewis & Clark expedition camped there in 1805, half the natives were dead from smallpox.

By 1850, smallpox, measles, malaria, and influenza had reduced the native population to a few dozen miserable refugees whose land had been taken by the white settlers who brought the diseases.

But, hey — we Americans prefer to look forward, not backward, right?

Meriwether Lewis wrote that the Vancouver area was “the only desired situation for settlement west of the Rocky Mountains.” High praise from a guy who had reason to know.

The location isn’t perfect. Rain is a frequent thing, and occasionally, an ice storm will shut the city down.

On the other hand, heavy snow is infrequent, and the Columbia River has been neutered and doesn’t flood anymore. And when the clouds go away, you can look up and see Mount Hood, Mount Jefferson, Mount Adams, and Mount Saint Helens, looming above in all their glory.

Today, Vancouver is a bona fide bedroom community of Portland, not only because of the relative sizes of the cities, but also for economic reasons.

In Oregon, the income tax is high, but the state levies no sales tax. In Washington, there is no income tax at all, but the sales tax is 6.5 percent.

Consequently, people shop in Portland to dodge the sales tax, and they live in Vancouver to avoid the income tax.

I got to know a bit about Vancouver in 2010, when I spent two weeks exploring the Pacific Northwest and used Vancouver as my base of operations.

Downtown Vancouver is attractive and pleasant. A long stretch of the riverfront is public space — incredibly, green and undeveloped — and accessible to the water‘s edge. I wandered along the bank for quite a distance in the company of joggers, picnickers, and several kids wading in the water as their moms looked on.

Riverfront

One day, I had possibly the best meal of my life at a hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant in downtown Vancouver. It was a divinely flavorful seafood soup.

I have a weakness for Oriental seafood soup, and that soup was as the nectar of the gods. Every spoonful was sublime — an almost religious experience. Even now, the memory of it gives me pangs of delight.

But I digress.

The Couve is a very walkable city. The same day I had that marvelous soup, I wandered for over an hour around Esther Short Park, Vancouver’s main public park and town square, which is about five acres in size.

After the trip, I did some research and learned a few interesting things about the city and the park.

For one, I learned that over the last couple of decades, Vancouver has faced two chronic problems: slow economic decline (everyone shops in Portland) and the presence of homeless people, lots of ’em, in the downtown area.

For another, I learned that the public square in Esther Short Park is the oldest in the state. It is anchored by the Salmon Run Clock and Bell Tower, which features (in addition to the salmon running around the base) a glockenspiel that goes off three times a day and relates a Chinook tribal legend.

Clock tower

The park is named for Esther Short, the founding mother of Vancouver and a colorful and fascinating character. She, her husband Amos, and their children arrived there in 1845 and established a farm near the British Fort Vancouver.

The British army and its corporate ally, the Hudson’s Bay Company, were not pleased with their new neighbors. The British wanted to confine American settlements to the south bank of the river. They wanted Amos and Esther gone.

At one point, while Amos was away, British soldiers rounded up Esther and her children and set them adrift on the Columbia River in an oarless raft.

Esther managed to beach the raft, and no one was hurt. Amos undoubtedly went bonkers when he returned, and, yes, the situation went downhill from there.

According to one version of events, the Shorts were squatters on British land. When the legitimate owner of the property went to California on business, he left his caretaker, David Gardner, in charge.

There was a confrontation. Amos shot and killed Gardner, then promptly went to court and filed a claim on the land in his own name.

A second version is that ownership of the land was unclear. Gardner, an officer of the Hudson’s Bay Company, tore down a fence Amos had built and ordered the Shorts off the land. Shots were exchanged, and Gardner was killed.

Amos, then, was either a murdering claim-jumper, or he acted to defend his home and family. He was, in fact, tried for murder and acquitted.

Not long after the trial, Amos drowned when his ship capsized at the mouth of the Columbia River.

Esther carried on and did quite well. Over time, she opened a restaurant and a couple of hotels. She also donated several strategic pieces of property to the new city of Vancouver.

One piece she donated in 1855 was the land for Esther Short Park. Another was the long strip of undeveloped waterfront.

Esther Short

The unsinkable Esther Short.

Fast-forward to the 1990s. By that time, Esther Short Park was old and shabby and largely populated by street people — the homeless, the mentally ill, hippies, panhandlers, bag ladies, eccentrics, and etcetera.

In 1996, a newspaper article named the park as “the nucleus of the majority of emergency 911 calls in the city.”

One day in 1997, while the mayor of Vancouver was attending an event designed to help make the park a more family-friendly place, he was rammed from behind by a street person pushing a shopping cart.

The angry assailant threatened the mayor and warned him to leave.

That did it. The man was arrested, and public support surged for efforts to take back and clean up the park.

My guess is, the police also began to crack heads and otherwise make the park less appealing to the “undesirables.”

Slowly, things turned around. By 2007, Vancouver and Esther Short Park were winning awards for excellence.

I should mention, however, that the park today is not transient-free.

During my afternoon stroll there in 2010, I noticed several unkempt or colorfully-dressed persons who were not tourists, business types, moms with strollers, or kids playing in the fountains.

In fact, for a solid half hour, one woman pushed her shopping cart slowly back and forth along the sidewalk while shouting at the top of her voice, addressing no one in particular. Profanities and incoherent babble rained down in all directions.

The moms and tourists and business types completely ignored the woman.

I suppose they can afford to be charitable. The park now belongs to them.

Park

Kids

Homeless

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The Questions…

1. Greenland is icy, and Iceland is green. Go figure. Why is Greenland called Greenland?

2. Discovery Channel’s now-canceled TV show Dirty Jobs, featuring the intrepid Mike Rowe, began in November 2003. What was the first dirty job featured on the show?

3. A question related to speed: how fast, in pecks per second, can the average woodpecker peck?

4. Another question related to speed: when a hummingbird hovers, how fast, in flaps per second, can it flap its wings?

5. In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell placed the first telephone call: “Mr. Watson. Come here. I want to see you.” A century later, in 1973, who placed the first call on a cell phone?

The Answers…

1. Eric the Red founded the first Norse settlement in Greenland in 985 AD. Some sources say he chose the name Greenland in hopes that an appealing name would attract settlers. Another possibility: the coastal area where he settled is actually, like, green.

2. Mike’s first dirty job was to harvest bat guano from a cave for use as fertilizer.

3. Up to 20 pecks per second. In case you were wondering, air pockets in the bird’s head cushion and protect its brain.

4. Depending on the species, up to 80 flaps per second. Hummingbirds are pretty amazing. They can hover, fly backwards, and haul tail at speeds of up to 35 mph.

5. In 1973, Martin Cooper, chief of research at Motorola, used the world’s first portable wireless phone to call his rival, Joel Engel of AT&T’s Bell Laboratories, no doubt to gleefully rub it in.

Greenland

Cooper

 

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A few days ago, while out running errands, I stopped for lunch in the nearby town of Winder.

That’s WINE-der, as in winding a watch, not WIN-der, the thing with glass panes in it.

The eatery I chose features all booths, no tables. The booths are very tall, so even when you’re standing, you can’t see into the adjoining booths. The setup is a bit unusual. I assume it was done for privacy reasons.

High seatbacks may block the view, but they don’t block sound. And that day, the adjacent booth was occupied by three loud-talking people who didn’t realize, or didn’t care, that the rest of the room could hear them.

Well, technically, the rest of the room at that moment consisted of just me.

When I arrived and took a seat, the conversation was already underway. I base my recollection solely on audio clues, as I never saw the participants.

Two were women who sounded like young adults. The third was a man they addressed as “Daddy.” The accents were Southern.

Here, to the best of my recollection, is how the conversation went down…

——————

FEMALE 1: Why, hell, she shot him dead and got away with it!

FEMALE 2: How in the world could they find her ‘not guilty’?

FEMALE 1: And with Billy’s own rifle! Walked up behind him, and –

MALE: She coulda used the shotgun. Billy had a bird gun. 16-gauge.

FEMALE 2: She’s back home, and poor Billy’s deader’n hell.

MALE: She’s a little ol’ thing. Don’t hardly weigh nothin’. It coulda been self-defense, like she claims.

FEMALE 1: Daddy, she’s lyin’! You know it, and I know it!

FEMALE 2: Self-defense, my ass. Billy wadn’t doin’ nothin’, and she shot him in the head!

FEMALE 2: She ain’t the first one in that family to get away with it. There was that business in Florida with Freddie and them.

FEMALE 1: Yeah, I know. What a sorry bunch. Betty’s husband is in jail for practically nothin’, and Brittany gets off scott free. And Freddie wadn’t even charged!

MALE: I thought they took Freddie to court.

FEMALE 2: No, Daddy, they turned him loose before the trial. Freddie claimed it was self-defense, and they found that fella’s knife, so they believed him.

FEMALE 1: They was both drunk.

FEMALE 2: Can’t always be self-defense.

FEMALE 1: No, it cain’t.

(Long pause.)

FEMALE 1: That family is no good, but they’re mighty lucky when it comes to the law.

——————

The conversation turned to the food, then ended. I heard shuffling and bumping as they left the booth and headed toward the cash register.

While I sat there and finished my lunch, I pondered the unanswered questions.

Did Brittany act in self-defense? Did Freddy? And what is Betty’s husband in jail for?

Booth

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The Questions…

1. English has been the primary language of every U.S. president except one. Which president spoke English as a second language?

2. Great Britain is the home of seven rivers named River Avon. In addition, eight Avon Rivers are scattered around the globe. What does avon mean?

3. What deceased rock musician has an international airport named after him?

4. What was the name of the heroine in the novel Gone With the Wind before author Margaret Mitchell changed it to Scarlett at her editor’s insistence?

5. The grumpy and miserable Squidward Q. Tentacles in the SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon series is an octopus, in spite of having the word squid in his name. In what way did the creators decide to portray Squidward’s anatomy incorrectly?

The Answers…

1. Martin Van Buren, who was president from 1837 until 1841. Although born in New York (the first president born a U.S. citizen), he grew up speaking Dutch.

2. Avon is derived from the Celtic word abona, which means river.

3. John Lennon. In 2002, the airport in Lennon’s hometown was officially renamed Liverpool John Lennon Airport. Imagine that.

4. Pansy.

5. Squidward has six tentacles instead of the usual eight. The animators tried eight, but the character looked too… leggy.

Van Buren

Squidward

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As a red-blooded American sports fan, you no doubt are familiar with the “Curse of the Bambino.” In 1919, according to legend, the Boston Red Sox brought a curse upon the team by selling Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees. The Red Sox did not win a World Series for the next 86 years.

You probably also know about the “Curse of the Billy Goat” visited upon the Chicago Cubs in 1945. It happened when a local bar owner and his pet goat were booted out of Wrigley Field during game four of the World Series.

“Them Cubs, they ain’t gonna win no more,“ the angry bar owner declared. The Cubs haven’t won so much as a National League pennant since.

Compared to those world-class curses, the “Curse of Billy Penn” in Philadelphia might seem rather bush-league. But it lasted for two decades, and as soon as an atonement of sorts was made, the curse ended.

William NMI Penn (1644-1718) was an English Quaker and real estate speculator who founded the American colony of Pennsylvania. Penn is widely lionized in the Keystone State. Indeed, no state is as closely associated with an individual as is Penn with Pennsylvania.

William Penn founded the city of Philadelphia in 1682, and appropriately, a massive bronze statue of Penn stands atop Philadelphia City Hall. The 37-foot-tall statue, created in 1894 by Alexander Calder, cuts a dashing figure above the city.

Curse-1

For almost a century, Penn’s statue was the tallest structure in Philadelphia. The city fathers kept it that way, turning down requests for new buildings taller than 548 feet, enabling Penn to preside proudly over the City of Brotherly Love.

In the mid-1980s, however, the city fathers caved. A rich bigshot was allowed to build One Liberty Place, which, at 945 feet, dwarfed the statue of Penn, big-time. William Penn no longer reigned over the city skyline. Worse, bigger and taller skyscrapers soon followed.

By allowing the statue to be thus diminished, so the tale is told, Philadelphia brought upon itself the “Curse of Billy Penn.”

Whether the curse was visited upon the city by the ghost of William Penn or by divine providence, it is said to have prevented the Philadelphia Phillies, Philadelphia Eagles, Philadelphia 76ers, and Philadelphia Flyers from winning a single championship for the next 21 years.

Some say the curse even affected horseracing. In 2006, a Philadelphia-based thoroughbred named Barbaro was favored to win the triple crown — until he fractured a leg during the Preakness, and his career was ended.

The curse came to an end, we are told, thanks to the communications behemoth Comcast.

Headquartered in Philadelphia since 1969, Comcast began construction of the opulent new Comcast Center in 2005. The new headquarters building would become the newest tallest skyscraper in the city.

In June 2007, during the topping-out ceremony, a steel beam was raised on the roof of the 974-foot building.

The dignitaries and construction workers signed the beam, and, in accordance with tradition, an American flag and a small tree were affixed.

Then, two workers stepped forward and attached to the beam a 25-inch-tall statue of William Penn. A whopping twenty-five inches tall.

They did so at the direction of Comcast EVP David Cohen, who had proposed the idea when construction began.

Cohen had intoned for the cameras, “Let’s once again restore Billy Penn to his rightful place and the highest location in Philadelphia.”

You’d think a company with a net worth of $73 billion could do better by William Penn than erecting a toy statue, but that’s what Billy got from Comcast.

Nevertheless, it apparently sufficed.

One year later, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series.

Penn’s statue atop City Hall has suffered repeated indignities over the years…

The Philadelphia skyline, showing One Liberty Place (with the red dot), City Hall (center), and the Comcast Center looming at right.

The Philadelphia skyline, showing One Liberty Place (with the red dot), City Hall (center), and the Comcast Center looming at right.

The curse-ending mini-statue of William Penn affixed to the beam on top of the Comcast Center.

The curse-ending mini-statue of William Penn affixed to the beam on top of the Comcast Center.

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The Questions…

1. The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in 1886. What symbolic item lies at Lady Liberty’s feet?

2. Gulliver’s Travels, the acclaimed satire on human nature by Jonathan Swift, has never been out of print since it was published in 1726. Gulliver’s Travels is a shortened form of the actual title. What is the full title?

3. What is the name of Judge Judy’s 148-foot yacht?

4. It’s a fact that the orbit of the Moon is slowly expanding, and the Moon is steadily moving away from the Earth. (It has to do with orbital speed, gravitational pull, tidal bulges, tidal friction, and stuff like that.) How far away from the Earth does the Moon recede each year?

5. What was Tim Burton’s 1996 film Mars Attacks! based upon?

The Answers…

1. A broken chain, representing freedom from oppression and bondage. The designer, French sculptor Frédéric Bartholdi, wanted the chain to be in Lady Liberty’s hand, but decided the symbolism would be too divisive so soon after the Civil War.

2. The full title is Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World, in Four Parts. By Lemuel Gulliver, First a Surgeon, and then a Captain of Several Ships.

3. Her Honor.

4. About 1.5 inches.

5. The movie was based on a series of Topps trading cards released in 1962. Drawn by Mad Magazine artist Wally Wood, the set of 55 trading cards told the story of an invasion of Earth by cruel, hideous Martians. Eventually, legal action over graphic violence, gore, and sexual content forced Topps to halt production of the cards… which, of course, are valuable collectors’ items today.

Chains

Mars

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Raspy-voiced rocker Bob Seger has been belting out rock anthems for 50 years — “Night Moves,” “Against the Wind,” “Like a Rock,” “Turn the Page,” “We’ve Got Tonight,” “Old Time Rock and Roll.” Seger also co-wrote The Eagles’ hit “Heartache Tonight.”

Another Seger tune, a bit less known than the above, is “Still the Same” from 1978. It always intrigued me because the lyrics are so vague. Is it about gambling? Lost love? Staying one step ahead of commitment?

A few weeks ago, I ran across a quote from Seger that, assuming it is genuine, explains the meaning.

“People have asked me for years who this is about,” Seger said. “It’s an amalgam of characters I met when I first went to Hollywood. All ‘Type A’ personalities, over-achieving, driven.”

That’s good to know. But I’ll always hear the story of a hard-hearted woman — still the same, moving game to game.

Bob Seger and Bruce Springstein, 1980.

Bob Seger and Bruce Springstein, 1980.

Still the Same

By Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band, 1978
Written by Bob Seger

You always won,
Every time you placed a bet.
You’re still damn good.
No one’s gotten to you yet.

Every time
They were sure they had you caught,
You were quicker than they thought.
You’d just turn your back and walk.

You always said
The cards would never do you wrong.
The trick, you said,
Was never play the game too long.

A gambler’s share –
The only risk that you would take.
The only loss you could forsake.
The only bluff you couldn’t fake.

And you’re still the same.
I caught up with you yesterday,
Moving game to game,
No one standing in your way.

Turning on the charm
Long enough to get you by.
You’re still the same.
You still aim high.

There you stood.
Everybody watched you play.
I just turned and walked away.
I had nothing left to say.

‘Cause you’re still the same.
You’re still the same.
Moving game to game.
Some things never change.
You’re still the same.


 

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LIVEWRONG

It seems like only yesterday.

In May 2004, the Lance Armstrong Foundation introduced this attention-getting bright yellow silicone bracelet to the public:

Livestrong

The bracelet was designed for the Armstrong Foundation by Nike’s advertising agency as a way to raise money for cancer research. As a cancer survivor, Armstrong was able to use his considerable influence to great effect.

In spite of Lance’s eventual downfall, the LIVESTRONG bracelets have done very well. So far, about 80 million have been sold worldwide. That’s a lot of fund-raising.

Naturally, the success of the yellow LIVESTRONG bracelets, and the windfall of $$$ they represented, set off a stampede of copycats. Before long, you could buy a green band to save the planet, a blue band for anti-bullying, a white band to fight poverty, an orange band to fight MS, and a rainbow band for gay pride.

Not to mention…

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS
PEACE
JESUS
IRELAND
DARE TO BELIEVE
YMCA
TREE HUGGER
MAKE A DIFFERENCE
WALK 4 THE CURE
GOT FAITH?
CELEBRATE DIVERSITY
RED SOX NATION
IN A RELATIONSHIP
CHECK YOURSELF
DREAM
MAKE IT HAPPEN
DEMOCRACY MATTERS
PEANUT ALLERGY

Like all fads, the silicone wristband craze finally ebbed. Today, you mostly find them at Walmart and the dollar stores, and they say things like PRINCESS and ROCK STAR and LOL.

Personally, I am loath to throw away anything, so I still own about a dozen of the stretchy little things. For the most part, they languish in a drawer.

One is a yellow LIVESTRONG band (two others broke). One is red and says LIVERED — for the prevention of heart disease, I think.

I have a red VIVA LAS VEGAS band, a black band with a red and white “diver down” flag, and a purple band that reads ELDER ABUSE IS GETTING OLD. I have no clue where I got that one.

Also, I went online a few years ago and ordered a batch of MR. WRITE bracelets. It was a special deal — 10 bands for $15.00, available in battleship gray only. The silicone isn’t very good; only two of them survive.

HOWEVER — and this is the point I’ve been sneaking up on — my absolute favorite wrist band, one I wore daily until the band broke and took my heart with it, was this band:

LIVEWRONG

I bought a LIVEWRONG band in 2006 on a trip to Arizona. I purchased it from AZ Bikes in Flagstaff.

The LIVEWRONG bands were dreamed up by Dan Monnig, a co-owner of the bike shop. It was intended to be, he said, a spoof of the LIVESTRONG phenomenon, not a slap at Armstrong.

Whereas the LIVESTRONG bands had a sort of “Dudley Do-Right” nature to them, LIVEWRONG aimed for a more irreverent “Captain Morgan” image.

“Buy a bracelet,“ Monnig said. “It is what it is. Use it as a paper weight or a cat collar.”

Sales were brisk.

In a 2005 interview, Monnig said the LIVEWRONG lifestyle “rejects living in the fast lane or working your butt off just to win the rat race.”

“It’s not about training and shaving your legs and dorking out on parts,” he said. “It’s about riding your bike.”

But, according to Monnig, Armstrong  was not amused.

“Oh dude, he’s pissed,” Monnig said. “At this point he sees it as a movement against him.”

Whatever the truth, Monnig and his people shipped about 30,000 LIVEWRONG bands before they got out of the bracelet business, exhausted, and went back to running a bike shop.

Today, LIVEWRONG bracelets are still available here and there. But, in light of what happened to Armstrong’s career and reputation, I don’t want another one. Lance ruined it for me — fatally changed the meaning.

I am not a gullible person by any measure, but I held out hope until the bitter end that Armstrong was clean.

I wanted the doping charges to be false. I wanted him, somehow, to prove his innocence.

When he finally admitted to everything, I took it pretty hard.

Maybe it was remembering my mom, fading away from liver cancer, faithfully wearing her LIVESTRONG bracelet.

Most days, I wear a MR. WRITE band, and maybe the VIVA LAS VEGAS band for a touch of color. I have no problem with them.

But I don’t plan to get another LIVEWRONG band.

And, even though I haven’t thrown away the LIVESTRONG band, it won’t come out of the drawer again.

—————

PS: While researching the bracelet story online, I ran across this photo, which is fascinating in retrospect:

Edwards

Oh, the irony.

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JERSEY CITY, NEW JERSEY — A Jersey City man faces multiple drug charges after showing up in court with marijuana in his possession.

Marquis Diggs, 29, went to Family Court with his mother, who was prepared to drop a restraining order against him.

When a routine check determined that a warrant for Diggs’ arrest had been issued by another court, he was taken into custody and searched. 32 bags of suspected marijuana were found in his jacket pockets.

Because of the location of the Hudson County Administration Building, Diggs faces an additional charge of possession of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

No word about the disposition of the restraining order.

Diggs

WEST HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT — While walking past a local school, Hartford resident Keith Hinds came across an unoccupied car with the motor running. The driver was inside the school delivering an order from a Chinese restaurant. Hinds seized the moment and drove away in the car.

Seeing several other take-out orders in the car, Hinds decided to make a few extra bucks by delivering the orders himself.

Meanwhile, the driver of the car emerged from the school and called the police to report the stolen car. He also called the restaurant manager and advised him to tell the waiting customers not to expect delivery.

When the manager called the first customer, he was informed that the order had been delivered moments earlier. Realizing that the car thief was making the deliveries in order to pocket the money, the manager quickly informed police.

Using the delivery list, police officers located and arrested Hinds. He was charged with grand larceny, possession of marijuana, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Chinese takeout

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN — A Swedish woman was refunded half the cost of her $1,400 air fare after being forced to fly from Europe to Tanzania next to the body of a man who died during the flight.

Lena Pettersson, a radio reporter, said the man appeared ill before the Kenya Airways flight departed from Amsterdam.

During the flight, the man suffered convulsions and died. Flight attendants wrapped his corpse in a blanket and laid it out on three seats located directly across the aisle from Pettersson.

Pettersson said the man was tall, and his legs were sticking out into the narrow aisle, mere inches from her. She asked to be moved, but no other seats were available.

After the 10-hour flight, Pettersson wrote to the airline and complained. She was granted a 50 percent refund of the ticket price.

Kenya Airways

 

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We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

– H. L. Mencken

————

Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956), the once-popular journalist, essayist, critic, satirist, and gadfly, faded from the national memory more than half a century ago. These days, only the libertarian crowd celebrates him; Mencken, you see, was a major influence on Ayn Rand and is thus revered by her ding-a-ling faithful.

Whereas Rand merely was off her medication, and had a heart two sizes too small, Mencken was gleefully controversial. He delighted in raising eyebrows and was skilled in that regard to a remarkable degree.

Often called “the Sage of Baltimore,” he was one of the most influential pontificators and public scolds of his time.

From his perch as a newspaper columnist, first at the Baltimore Herald and later at the Baltimore Sun, he used wit and sarcasm to skewer a host of targets — politicians, popular culture, religion, the temperance movement, bigotry, creationism, and “experts” of every sort, including chiropractors and economists.

Mencken was a tireless champion of science and a scholar of American English. In 1919, he wrote “The American Language,” a best-selling study of the variations of English spoken around the country.

And, during the 1925 trial of Tennessee high school teacher John Scopes for teaching evolution, it was Mencken who dubbed the proceedings the “Monkey Trial.”

Reading Mencken is an adventure — a workout — regardless of the point he is making. In fact, I can take him only in small doses.

Accordingly, I present herewith a small dose of H. L. Mencken, consisting of excerpts from his 1918 book, “In Defense of Women.”

————

A man’s women folk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.

His most gaudy sayings and doings seldom deceive them; they see the actual man within, and know him for a shallow and pathetic fellow. In this fact, perhaps, lies one of the best proofs of feminine intelligence, or, as the common phrase makes it, feminine intuition.

The mark of that so-called intuition is simply a sharp and accurate perception of reality, an habitual immunity to emotional enchantment, a relentless capacity for distinguishing clearly between the appearance and the substance.

The appearance, in the normal family circle, is a hero, a magnifico, a demigod. The substance is a poor mountebank.

————

This shrewd perception of masculine bombast and make-believe, this acute
understanding of man as the eternal tragic comedian, is at the bottom of that compassionate irony which passes under the name of the maternal instinct. A woman wishes to mother a man simply because she sees into his helplessness, his need of an amiable environment, his touching self-delusion.

That ironical note is not only daily apparent in real life; it sets the whole tone of feminine fiction. The woman novelist, if she be skilful enough to arise out of mere imitation into genuine self-expression, never takes her heroes quite seriously.

From the day of George Sand to the day of Selma Lagerlöf she has always got into her character study a touch of superior aloofness, of ill concealed derision. I can’t recall a single masculine figure created by a woman who is not, at bottom, a booby.

————

A man thinks that he is more intelligent than his wife because he can add up a  column of figures more accurately, and because he understands the imbecile jargon of the stock market, and because he is able to distinguish between the ideas of rival politicians, and because he is privy to the minutiae of some sordid and degrading business or profession, say soap-selling or the law. But these empty talents, of course, are not really signs of a profound intelligence; they are, in fact, merely superficial accomplishments, and their acquirement puts little more strain on the mental powers than a chimpanzee suffers in learning how to catch a penny or scratch a match.

The whole bag of tricks of the average business man, or even of the average professional man, is inordinately childish. It takes no more actual sagacity to carry on the everyday hawking and haggling of the world, or to ladle out its normal doses of bad medicine and worse law, than it takes to operate a taxicab or fry a pan of fish.

No observant person, indeed, can come into close contact with the general run of business and professional men — I confine myself to those who seem to get on in the world, and exclude the admitted failures – without marveling at their intellectual lethargy, their incurable ingenuousness, their appalling lack of ordinary sense.

The late Charles Francis Adams, a grandson of one American President and a greatgrandson of another, after a long lifetime in intimate association with some of the chief business “geniuses” of that paradise of traders and usurers, the United States, reported in his old age that he had never heard a single one of them say anything worth hearing.

These were vigorous and masculine men, and in a man’s world they were successful men, but intellectually they were all blank cartridges.

————

Intuition? With all respect, bosh!

All this intuition of which so much transcendental rubbish is merchanted is no more and no less than intelligence — intelligence so keen that it can penetrate to the hidden truth through the most formidable wrappings of false semblance and demeanour, and so little corrupted by sentimental prudery that it is equal to the even more difficult task of hauling that truth out into the light, in all its naked hideousness.

Women decide the larger questions of life correctly and quickly, not because they are lucky guessers, not because they are divinely inspired, not because they practise a magic inherited from savagery, but simply and solely because they have sense.

They see at a glance what most men could not see with searchlights and telescopes; they are at grips with the essentials of a problem before men have finished debating its mere externals. They are the supreme realists of the race.

Apparently illogical, they are the possessors of a rare and subtle super-logic. Apparently whimsical, they hang to the truth with a tenacity which carries them through every phase of its incessant, jelly-like shifting of form. Apparently unobservant and easily deceived, they see with bright and horrible eyes…

In men, too, the same merciless perspicacity sometimes shows itself — men recognized to be more aloof and uninflammable than the general — men of special talent for the logical — sardonic men, cynics. Men, too, sometimes have brains.

But that is a rare, rare man, I venture, who is as steadily intelligent, as constantly sound in judgment, as little put off by appearances, as the average woman of forty-eight.

Mencken

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